Can I be happy for you

Why on earth do FRIENDS have to get married?!!!!!! Its the most annoying thing EVER! and I am tired of pretending that I am happy for them. I am NOT!!! Well, I am..but I also hate them for doing it.

Simply because it changes things, and I dont want them to change. People say that things dont end after marriage, and you can still have fun, and your friends are still your friends, and life will almost be the same. Perhaps it doesnt for the people who become couples, but life does change drastically for the ones who remain single. 

Oh dont mistake me – my friends are still the sweetest people. Its just that ‘things’ have changed. Its very difficult to see a rollicking gang dwindle away and be reduced to sad figures. Oh we still meet each other, but the feeling of bonding is missing – its as if you dont belong anywhere now, you are having fun – but alone – and that sucks! The camarederie, the total madness, the undemanding understanding, and most of all, the relentlessly annoying but essentialy heartwarmin companionship is missing now. When all of us were single, we fought, we bitched, we even drifted apart from each other – but in end, it was as if we knew that we only had each other, and so we had to be together. And that was enough – at least for me.  Now I resent the fact that some of us have other people to go back to. What we had was good – more than good – why change it???

I so miss the laughter, the crazy antics, the drunken nights, the long drives, the night long gossip sessions…:(

I tell my dad that if some day I do agree to marry, it will be for all the wrong reasons. It will be simply because I will be the only one left and I will be tired of just watching them all go away. The biggest threat to singledom is not love, but plain inconvenience. Of course you can talk abt making new friends and all that, but honestly I think I am growing too old for that – no energy to socialize and worse no will to. In that case, what do you do..sighhhh..sigh more..write bitchy mails to 2 more of the endangered species, sigh some more, and when you still dont feel any better, write a nonsensical post on LJ. So, thats what this is abt…waste of your time? Too bad – you must be long married, in which case you wont understand (you have long forgotten what it is to be single and happy) ; or you must be just married, in which case you wont be bothered (too self-centered); or you might be just about to marry, in which case I dont like you; or you might be like me – single and intending to remain that way, in which case you are welcome to leave as many bitchy comments as you want to here. 

P.S..This was brought on because I was trying to arrange for a old friends trip to Goa..and could just find 2 of them ready to go:(

30 comments for “Can I be happy for you

  1. September 14, 2006 at 5:55 pm

    After marriage, priority of most girls change very drastically… unless the girl is very independent by nature, her concerns change..

    u cannot hope to cling on to them.. .u should move on… get urself a new set of people around u who are more comfortable with the current situation 🙂

    • September 14, 2006 at 6:16 pm

      Why girls…even priorities of most guys change…and old friends are never among the top priority.
      The married guy starts thinking about his wife, his extended family, his kids, his job, security for his family in later years, his health…old friends are rarely on the horizon…

      • September 15, 2006 at 10:53 am

        Tell me abt it:) the last person to leave the gang was a guy..he got married yesterday, and cant subsequently make it for a trip planned in Oct.

        hence the angst…:)

    • September 15, 2006 at 10:34 am

      Well, in this case, I was talking about a close guy friend who got married yesterday:) He was a regular in all our trips, and now its gonnna be difficult for him to come…

      Having said that yesterday’s was a rant – i understand that change is inevitable, and its high time we move on.

  2. September 14, 2006 at 6:42 pm

    Main hoo Nah !!!!!

    • September 15, 2006 at 12:47 pm

      Thank you sweetheart. Par kaun hain aap?:)

  3. September 14, 2006 at 6:52 pm

    I guess choosing not to have children does help keep you “unchanged”, because I’m told I’m no different now than I was before I got married. My wife might complain I’ve become more accessible to friends, if anything. 😉

    • September 15, 2006 at 11:00 am

      I guess its cool then:) and honestly a lot of my friends are actually very cool and do hang out a lot with us. Its just that its increasing difficult to get together – esp since we were a group who did a lot of trips together, or even stayed at each others places. Now, you also have to look out for spouse’s convenience, and its almost next to impossible to get 5 people along with 5 spouses for trip. Thats kind of thing I miss – just deciding to get together and go somewhere…

      having said that, am so as pissed today as yesterday..:)

  4. September 14, 2006 at 8:46 pm

    I guess one day you’ll see the other side of the picture (no, i’m not married yet) ……

    Having said that, i don’t think the bond goes away, if it was a strong one to begin with. I have married friends that i still share a strong bond with, of course we couldn’t hang out as much as before even if we were in the same city (it so happens that we aren’t even in the same country!), but we do keep in touch and when we do get to meet, the warmth, camaraderie – it’s all there.

    Of course, the vast majority of friends fall out of touch, married or otherwise; in those cases, marriage just helps the inevitable along.

    Anyway, try not to mope too much – and for heaven’s sake, never get married for the wrong reasons!!

    • September 15, 2006 at 12:21 pm

      I know i know, no more moping. I totally know what you are making sense, just that its difficult to accept that things have to change, esp when you have been a close-knit group for years. And these are people whom you see on a daily basis.

      I guess what I meant was these days are so little occasions for the camarederie or the bonhomie – its always i have to hurry back..or hey, i cant come in for dinner..puja at home..or ..am done for the day, in laws at home.

      I do agree that all these are valid reasons, and they do have responsibiities and they need to attend to them. Its just that I end up missing them, simple as that.

      Anyways, I know..has to happen, and in the end, I would rather they be happy with whomever they are with – spouse or us – doesnt really matter:)

  5. September 15, 2006 at 5:21 am

    I totally know what you mean. Even for my Goa trip it was just me, Cloud 9, and DS…3 single gals. The married ones (Tequila and others) made bahanas like ‘relatives are coming’, ‘have to go meet relatives’, ‘can’t leave hubby n come coz as it is we get only weekends together’, ‘have to go to some mandir over the weekend’, and even crazy ones like ‘I have to join hubby in australia and I’m getting my passport made and the police guys may come any time for verification so I have to sit at home’! I was so mad at all of them yaar. Have decided not to bother even asking them next time!

  6. September 15, 2006 at 5:39 am

    I understand what you are saying. But you cannot really expect someone (the spouse)to understand the bond. I know it is irritating. I can totally relate to it.

    But I would never feel the kind -degree- of bond K feels towards his childhood friends. I just think it is plain “too much” to expect from your friend and his/her spouse.

    Give them their space if they need it!

    For consolation – its not just marriage but kids too. I can now no longer hang around with other married couples who have kids. Their kids dont want to come to a kid-less house/party etc etc…

    • September 15, 2006 at 12:39 pm

      I know what you are saying, and perhaps if I was married to somebody who had very close friends, I would resent the time he spent with them (though i really dont think so)

      What I am saying is this – I miss my friends – simple as that. While they have a new life, all I am left with is memories and a nostalgia which seems unreasonable to lot of people.

      I have been alone for the last 7 years..and the guys am talking abt are people i have known through these years. Lots of them people whom I have met almost daily, almost lived with. Face it, you get possessive abt the people you get close to – perhaps the same way as you do abt a spouse, but to a lesser extent. When they get married, you wish the best for them, but it does feel bad, when you realize that they now have very little time for you.

      I know we all have different phases in life, where we want different things at diff times. I am just saying that at this stage in my life, I feel really bad that I am left alone. ..well, looks like smits is with me, for the time being at least:)

      • Anonymous
        September 18, 2006 at 5:08 am

        Me too

        I completely understand what you are saying – it *is* tough when friends who have always had time to hang out suddenly get caught in “family” responsibilities. And believe me, it’s tough on the married friends as well, who want to return to bachelor life and meet old friends as before, but either simply don’t have the time, or feel “obliged” to spend time with spouse or in-laws. It’s also true that it’s not always “boring” to spend time with spouse – soemtimes it’s even fun! And given that quality time with spouse is often limited to weekends, sometimes it is a difficult decision to make, to spend the weekend with “bachelor” friends or with spouse. And yes, it is true even after years of marriage.

        It’s also not easy to make the twain meet – getting spouse and bachelor friends to be friends is a painful process… suddenly you have this new person (spouse) intruding in *your* group and it’s not easy to make them fit in. What if they don’t get along??? That’s why it’s easier to meet your bachelor friends without spouse – which is why you spend lots of time with bachelor friends when spouse is away and you don’t have to make apologies for spending long hours away from spouse. It’s not that we’re “using” our bachelor friends, only that this is the only way to keep everyone happy – at least, we *think* we’re keeping everyone happy. And hey, bachelor friends are supposed to be the type who understand.

        Course, I don’t agree with breaking commitments on flimsy grounds, specially if you do it repeatedly.

        But all said and done, I do agree with the sense of loss. No, you can’t make new friends so easily when the old friends get busy. Making friends is not like getting a haircut, where you go out and spend a little time and a lot of money and it’s done. Besides, it’s not easy to find single friends as you get older. And it takes a long time to be as comfortable with new friends as you are with the old.

        But that’s life. One day you will get married and break the hearts of your bachelor friends…;)

        -Mika

        • September 18, 2006 at 11:03 am

          Re: Me too

          I should have known that you would know what I meant, and put things in perspective:-)

          True, true, true..That post was result of angst at eddy’s wedding:) most times I understand, some other times the feeling of being ‘left behind’ caches up with you.

  7. September 15, 2006 at 5:43 am

    Then of course it can be the other way around. How many times do you not invite your married friends to your parties etc because you feel they are no longer in the ‘single’ circuit and wouldnt know to enjoy life as well as you?

    or

    how many times do you choose to meet them without their spouses around???

    • September 15, 2006 at 6:16 am

      No, I don’t agree with this one. At least as far as I am concerned…I always invite my married friends for everything. It’s just that THEY keep refusing…and at some point I do feel stupid asking them again and again coz they would much rather spend time with their hubbies n in-laws or whatever. I never felt that they won’t enjoy life like us coz even though they are married…they still are the same people they were earlier!

      Also, sometimes it does seem like they (married friends) ‘use’ us. When their hubbies are away…they will hang out with us…and when their hubbies are back…they will conveniently forget about us.

      And as for meeting them with/without their spouses…this is not even an issue. If they get their spouses along…the more the merrier I feel. And if they come without their spouses…then it’s girlie fun!

      • September 15, 2006 at 10:59 am

        hey – i wasnt talking about u da…

        but for every instance of u inviting people over I can counter each one with my own..

        I think the deal is – relationships mature with time. I am not saying stop calling on your married friends. I am sure they would love it. But if they cannot meet you for a movie or go for dinner – dont get mad at them.

        Their are just harmlessly trying to get their newfound relationship work the best.
        And today when we spend several hours at work, I wouldnt blame anyone liking to spend time with their spouse.
        And you do make it sound boring that someone would want to spend time with their spouse:)

        And my advice if the spouse doesnt like you – just stay away. Will be easier on everyone. (Will ST you why I am saying this)

        Tell me when you were going around – what would do?

  8. September 16, 2006 at 5:23 am

    i totally agree

    A very good friend of mine is getting married today. I am not going. I used to be known as the chap who always attends everyone’s wedding & funerals – come what may. I had decided 4-5 months ago decided that I will no longer accept the slavery of obligation or even that of opinion :-).

    • September 18, 2006 at 11:08 am

      Re: i totally agree

      I enjoy weddings of friends, just not what follows afterwards..:)Enjoy the excitement, the bonhomie, and of course the food:)

      I would suggest you carry on going..well if its a close friend at least. Can treat it like as a grand parting.. kiddin…:)

      • September 18, 2006 at 12:54 pm

        Re: i totally agree

        “just not what follows afterwards..:)”
        u notti pennae … baad gurl … ;p

        I hate that we all grow old and die some day. I also hate that the only way our selfish genes can replicate is by messing with our hearts 🙁 …

        This is me I guess … 🙁

        http://www.blupete.com/Literature/Biographies/Philosophy/Schopenhauer.htm

        Hey did u know that the Ox has gone to Amaerikkaa?

        • September 18, 2006 at 3:07 pm

          Re: i totally agree

          Yes I know he is in the US of A. He wrote to me saying he is very busy:)

  9. September 16, 2006 at 8:47 pm

    If you are meeting a small gang of close friends from school to meet and chat over coffee, would you invite the spouses as well? If so, would you imply courteously that they aren’t really wanted?

    And what if you’re male (/female), and your friends female (/male)?

    I’m wondering what I’d do myself.

    • September 18, 2006 at 11:18 am

      Well, it depends.

      If I am meeting school friends after a long gap, and I dont know their spouses, I would just invite them, and not their spouses. I would rather have a cosy chat with the people whom i know and renew ties with them.

      If I am in touch with these people, and I know the spouses, it would depend on other factors. If I am in the mood for a crazy trip down the memory lane, I could just invite them for a ‘old mates meet’ and say that lets just jam, making it clear that its going to be ‘just us’. On the other hand, if i get along with most of their spouses, I could invite them as a complete group – however, I would know very well that while it will be fun, its will not be the same.

      Whether they are male or female will not really make a difference. At least I dont think so:)

  10. Anonymous
    September 17, 2006 at 10:13 pm

    Have some pity on these poor souls

    Married people avoid single friends because they are secretly jealous.
    😉

    • September 18, 2006 at 11:19 am

      Re: Have some pity on these poor souls

      Now, that makes me feel better:)

      • Anonymous
        February 6, 2007 at 12:34 am

        Re: Have some pity on these poor souls

        I am jealous of you! Don’t even realize how I got married.
        Shit, such a trap!! (:

  11. Anonymous
    September 28, 2006 at 10:24 am

    Hey I chanced upon your blog as I hopped from a friend’s potpourri of life’s little leisures. I can’t say just how much I relate to your thoughts above. But there’s more to being single, and not all of it is great.

    For one, there’s the relatives. Now this ubiquitous species badgers you at every meeting, phone call and social occasion about your singularity and the lack of ‘balance’ in your life. Overt and covert means are employed to point you towards the nirvana of marriage, all very well-meaning of course.

    The second point is what you cherish and miss at the same time; being with once-single friends. This breed is largely of two types.
    1. The first category of friends locked in blissful matrimony reminisce about their wild, free days and get paralysed by their current state of responsibility.
    2. The second type get married and their spouse wins over the entire group and we all become a huge group of single friends!

    I love the second type. They’re mature enough to enjoy togetherness and intimacy without relinquishing the friendships that have sustained and enriched them and help them grow into life.

    These same types of people manifest themselves in various kinds of marriages, whether arranged or spontaneous. So I have really great buddies who embraced arranged marriage with open arms and still remained as vivacious and outgoing as ever, while I also know folks who have had love marriages and yet not introduced us to their better halves.

    I know I can’t hold out much longer against the marriage brigade. It’s not about keeping up with the Joneses (all my friends are married, hence I should too). Destiny is not kind to the single being. Humanity is not designed to operate in silos of singularity.

    And then, maybe there are different pleasures on the other side of the hill, and maybe freedom is not the elixir of the gods. Perhaps the surrender of individual liberties is the path to self-actualization. But what the hell, I’ll believe all that when I see it with my own eyes! And I actually have great plans for all the things I’ll do if I had just one more decade when I could be 20 again! Like I’m planning a trip to the hills next weekend. But my erstwhile partners-in-crime will be soulfully staring into their moonstruck fiancees’ deep dark eyes like a deer trapped in the headlights of a speeding car.

    See it’s not just that I’m feeling bad about our not being able to hang out together. It’s more than that. There is a message to me. In this life, these days of independence are drawing to a close, and it’s no use clinging.

  12. October 9, 2006 at 9:44 am

    I think all is said and delivered on the state of being left behind by the married fraternity.

    I guess look at it from the view point that they have slipped in to a state of lower definition, a state of fixed expectations, and you continue to remain at a higher platform of independence.
    Am I making sense ;-???

    I guess you post is not about that. It is about the degradation of a social group with time. So be it. Welcome to lonley times ;-)))

    This is just hyperventilaion with no vents.

  13. October 25, 2006 at 1:15 am

    “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” ~ Katherine Hepburn

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